


Harry Potter and the Shaggy Dog

by dark_pookha



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Community: HPFT, Crack, Other, Shaggy Dog Story, pun
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-23
Updated: 2016-07-23
Packaged: 2018-07-26 05:03:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7561501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dark_pookha/pseuds/dark_pookha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Aurors Harry and Ron investigate mysterious spheres.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Harry Potter and the Shaggy Dog

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: This is a shaggy dog story, a long, pointless story with bad pun at the end. You have been warned.

The small interrogation room was dark, except for a bright light on a metal stand that shone on the prisoner’s face.  The nervous, filthy prisoner knew the two Aurors in the room with him, but could only see the red-headed one at the moment.  The other Auror with the messy, black hair stayed out of sight in a dark corner.  Ron leaned over the interrogation table and held out a heavy, blue glass globe as big as a child’s head, closer to the shackled prisoner.  “Do you know what this is?” he asked the hunched prisoner.  
  
   
  
The prisoner looked at the blue glass sphere filled with greyish, swirling mist and shook his head.  He looked defiantly at Ron and said, “Never seen it before.  Dunno what it is.”  
  
   
  
Harry leapt from his seat in the corner, shoving Ron out of the way.  Harry grabbed the prisoner by the collar of his robes and pulled him to a half-standing position, impeded by the shackles on the prisoner’s legs.  “Cut the bull, Mundungus, we caught you red-handed trying to sell this at Borgin and Burke’s.”   
  
   
  
“That don’t mean I know what it is,” Mundungus said, trying to pull back from Harry.   
  
   
  
Harry held tight to Mundungus’ robes and kept him half-standing.  “Where did you get this?” he asked, pointing at the globe in Ron’s hand.  
  
   
  
Mundungus’ eyes widened in fear and he started shaking.  He answered, “Worth more’n my life, that answer.  Not gonna say.”  
  
   
  
Harry shoved Mundungus back down into his chair and then Harry stalked angrily back to the corner, cursing under his breath.  Catching Ron’s eye as he went, he winked subtly.  
  
   
  
Ron pulled his chair closer to Mundungus and said, “Look, Dung, we know how it is.  You didn’t realise what it was when you stole it and you were just trying to get rid of it.  Just tell us where you got it and we’ll make sure to talk to the prosecutor, get you some consideration.  C’mon, mate, you can trust us; Harry didn’t press charges when he found out about all the things you stole from Grimmauld Place.”  
  
   
  
Mundungus’ eyes filled with tears as he spoke again, “I can’t; she’ll kill me.  You can’t protect me from her.”  
  
   
  
Harry came out of his dark corner again, and got in Mundungus’ face.  “You’ll tell us one way or another.  Do you want me to go get Kreacher?”  
  
   
  
“No!” Mundungus shouted.  “That elf’s mad.  He’d kill me for just nicking a few trinkets.”  
  
   
  
Harry leaned back, sitting with a loud thump in his chair.  “If you’d just tell us where you got this thing, it won’t come to that.”  
  
   
  
Mundungus shook his head violently in negation again, his lank, stringy hair flapping around.  
  
   
  
Ron grabbed Mundungus’ head and stopped its swiveling.  “C’mon, Dung, you know that if you tell us, that this will all be over.”  
  
   
  
Mundungus started shaking uncontrollably and said in a quiet scared voice, “I’m telling you, I can’t.  I took a vow.”  
  
   
  
Harry pulled his wand out and pointed it at Mundungus.  “ _Revelio Incantetem,”_ he said.  Harry’s wand tip started glowing in coruscating colours.  He studied them for a moment before replying, “You’ve not taken the Unbreakable Vow.  You’re lying to us.  Ron, get the Veritaserum.”  
  
   
  
Mundungus strained and groaned, trying to pull out of his shackles.  “You can’t give me Veritaserum, I’ve got my rights!  I’ve got my rights!”  
  
   
  
Ron stood and as he was leaving said, “You don’t leave us any choice, Dung.  We’ve got to find out who’s selling these.”  Ron knocked on the door.  It opened, revealing an Auror guarding the door, wand out.  He tested Ron with his wand before letting him exit, then closed the door behind him.   
  
   
  
Harry leaned in and whispered in Mundungus ear, “You know what this is and what it can do.  Don’t deny it.  You’re deeper in this than you want to admit.  I really should summon Kreacher here and let him beat it out of you.  We’ll wait and see what happens when he returns with the Veritaserum.  You had your chance to come clean, and you blew it.”  
  
   
  
Harry sat back down in his chair and stared at Mundungus until Ron returned.  Ron re-entered the room and sat down across from Harry with Mundungus shackled between them.  Ron pulled a small vial from his pocket, showed it to Mundungus and said, “Last chance, Dung.”  
  
   
  
Mundungus closed his mouth firmly and looked down at the table.  Ron nodded to Harry.  Harry pulled his wand out and stunned Mundungus.  Ron poured the liquid into Mundungus’ mouth, tilted his head back and made him swallow.  Harry then awakened Mundungus.  
  
   
  
Mundungus’ eyes filled with terror as he realised that he had been forced to ingest Veritaserum.   
  
   
  
“Now then, Mundungus,” Harry said, “You’re going to tell us what we need to know.  Where did you get this?”  
  
   
  
Mundungus tried to not answer, shaking with the compulsion.  He fought for almost twenty seconds before blurting, “I got it from the woman.  I don’t know her name.”  
  
   
  
Ron asked, “What woman, where?”  
  
   
  
“I got it from the little pug-nosed woman.  Her nose is so turned up, you can see right into her nostrils.  It fits her, too; she’s so uppity.”  
  
   
  
Harry conjured up a holographic portrait of Pansy Parkinson that emerged from his wand tip and rotated, like a bust on a rotating plinth.  “Is this the woman?” he asked.  
  
   
  
Mundungus looked at the portrait and turned even whiter.  “Yes, that’s her.  If you knew that she was the one, why did you bring me here?  Why did you endanger me?”  
  
   
  
Ron said, “Never you mind that.  Where did you buy this?  Where are you meeting her?”  
  
   
  
“I don’t know where she gets them.  Buyers can meet her, every new moon, in the dark of the night at the cliffs of Dover.  There’s a grotto at the bottom, hidden by magic.  Just point your wand at it and say, ‘The Dark Lord shall return,’ and it will open right up.”  
  
   
  
Harry spoke again, his voice taking on a dangerous tone, “This is the important question.  Do you know what this is?”  He pointed at the globe, resting again in Ron’s hand.  
  
   
  
Mundungus nodded, “It’s a divination globe.  It’s enchanted to answer your questions about the near future.  They’re very accurate.  If I had just asked it if I was in danger of being nicked, it would have glowed red.”  
  
   
  
Harry stroked his chin thoughtfully for a second before asking, “And do you know **how** it works?”  
  
   
  
Mundungus shook his head. “Nope, that sort of magic has always been beyond me.  Divination was never one of my strong subjects.”  
  
   
  
Harry and Ron looked at each other and chuckled ruefully.  Ron finally said, “Not one of ours, either.”  
  
   
  
   
  
   
  
   
  
   
  
Harry looked Ron over as Ron drank water from a hip flask then spat it out.  Ron looked exactly like Mundungus now, thanks to the Polyjuice Potion.  
  
   
  
“Urgh, Harry, any suggestions on how to get this foul taste out of my mouth,” Ron said, coughing around the words.  “I don’t think he’s ever brushed his teeth.”  
  
   
  
Harry finished his survey of Ron and his outfit, and then said, “It’ll just be for a few hours, Ron.  You can bear it until then.”  He dug in the pocket of his robes and handed Ron a small tin.  “Here, Ron, have some breath mints.”  
  
   
  
Harry grabbed his Invisibility Cloak and tossed it over himself.  “I’m right behind you, Ron.”  
  
   
  
Ron and Harry both Disapparated, reappearing on a large rock perched over a long drop to the raging Channel.  Rain and wind lashed them as they struggled to find the entrance in the dark of the moon.  Ron finally located the correct spot as it had been described by Mundungus.  
  
   
  
He pointed his wand at the white cliff face and said, “The Dark Lord shall return.”  The cliff face disappeared, revealing a small reception area, with a scowling, blocky woman sitting behind a mahogany desk.  She beckoned to Ron to enter.  Harry paused a moment, checking the entrance for wards.  He found a person revealing ward on the entrance and quickly enchanted himself.  He pointed his wand at his body, under the Cloak and quietly whispered, “ _Nil Revelio Homenum.”_  
  
   
  
Ron entered and approached the woman he recognised as Millicent Bulstrode.  Harry entered stealthily behind him, making sure that his cloak didn’t leave drips on the dry floor of the reception area.  Ron spoke, doing a good job of imitating Mundungus’ inflections, “I’m here for more of those things.”  
  
   
  
Millicent looked at him strangely before saying, “We know you didn’t sell the last one to Borgin and Burke’s.  What did you do with it?”  
  
   
  
Ron leaned in; giving Millicent the full force of his foul breath, which even a breath mint hadn’t helped.  “I sold it to a private collector.  He told me just what we’re dealing with.  I think we might want to renegotiate my end of this deal.  
  
   
  
Millicent pulled back from Ron and covered her nose and mouth with her hand.  “Just go have a seat there, as far from me as you can.  The Mistress will be here in a moment.”  
  
   
  
Ron had a seat in the indicated chair, Harry standing quietly behind him.  After only a few minutes, the door behind Millicent opened and Pansy entered the room, her hair pulled back, revealing pointed ears.  She wore a plain white linen robe that clung to her body, revealing all of her curves.  Her eyes glowed with a bright lavender colour.  She moved slinkily to Ron, letting her robe show her body off to her advantage.  Harry moved back so she didn’t inadvertently touch him.  
  
   
  
She leaned over Ron, grabbing his head and kissed him greedily, forcing her tongue into his mouth.  Ron resisted for a moment, wondering how she could kiss Mundungus that way, before he realised that he should be playing a part.  He pulled Pansy down into his lap, squeezing her bottom as he did.  He whispered in her ear, “I hope this is part of the new negotiations.”  
  
   
  
Pansy stood quickly, almost falling as she spilled out of Ron’s lap.  “What new negotiations?” she asked.  
  
   
  
Ron stood next to her and tried to look scared, imitating Mundungus, as he said, “I found out what these ‘divination globes’ really are.  I want a bigger cut.  Although, if you were to keep offering what you just did, I might change my mind.”  He reached out to grab her, but she pulled back out of reach.  
  
   
  
She turned to Millicent and said, “Millie, open the door; Dung and I have some things to discuss in my office.”  
  
   
  
Millicent did something under the desk that Harry couldn’t see and the door opened.  Pansy took Ron’s hand and led him through the door, with Harry following close behind.  Pansy stopped and asked, “Did you hear something?”  
  
   
  
Ron shook his head, tensing as she pulled out her wand and pointed it back at the door.  “ _Homenum Revelio,”_ she incanted.  Harry tensed as the spell washed over his counter-warding he had applied at the cave entrance.   
  
   
  
Satisfied that no one had followed them, Pansy led Ron to her office.  Harry pulled a small round device shaped like an egg from underneath his robes and activated it, while he followed them.  Harry knew that the device would magically record twenty minutes of holographic video and stereo sound.  He wondered how the artificers had made it.  
  
   
  
Pansy entered her richly appointed office.  The floor was carpeted in a rich burgundy pile.  Velvet tapestries depicting the battle of Baden lined the walls.  Harry looked closer at the knights in the tapestries, starting as some of them moved, inflicting horrible wounds on their opponents with their weapons.  A portrait of Voldemort hung on the wall behind her desk, apparently non-magical, as the Dark Lord didn’t move.  Her desk took up most of the far side of the room.  A dozen of the blue glass globes lined her desk, resting on wooden bases.  She sat behind her desk, indicating that Ron should sit opposite her.  
  
   
  
“Now then, Dung; what do you think you know?” she asked.  
  
   
  
Ron pointed at the globes.  “I know these are the trapped souls of the sidhe, Seelie warriors, stolen from the land of faerie somehow.”  
  
   
  
Pansy steepled her fingers in front of her face, “And just how did you come to realise this?”  
  
   
  
Ron looked back at her defiantly before speaking, “My new buyer, Mr. Draco Malfoy, let slip what these were when he didn’t think I was listening.  I wanna  bigger piece of the money flowing through here.”  
  
   
  
Pansy face turned red with rage and she shouted, “That boy could never keep his mouth shut.  I might have to shut it permanently.  How much more do you want?”  
  
   
  
Ron thought for a moment, then said, “Double what I’m getting now.”  
  
   
  
Pansy’s rage intensified, “I think that maybe we’ll settle for nothing.  She pulled her wand out, preparing to hex Ron.  Harry exploded from under his Invisibility Cloak, shooting a Stunner at her.  The red ray struck Pansy square in the chest.  She laughed as it bounced off her and hit the far wall.  She pointed her wand at Harry and said, “So kind of you to join us, Mr. Potter.  Would you like to share a sphere with Ron there?”  She flicked her wand at Harry and Ron, slamming them both against the far wall with stunning force.  Harry and Ron collapsed on the floor, eyes going unfocussed.   
  
   
  
Pansy stalked up to Harry, grabbed his head and kissed him deeply as Harry struggled to pull back.  Pansy said, “Your petty human spells can’t harm me.  The Unseelie Queen has infused me with some of her own, personal power.  We’ll continue to do our business here and prevent these souls from reaching their proper rest.  Your human wizards will make excellent use of them.”  
  
   
  
“Now which of you wants to die and which wants to service me?” she asked, licking her lips lasciviously.  
  
   
  
Ron regained his bearings first, and spoke, “What do you want from us?”  
  
   
  
Pansy looked at Ron, then she looked at Harry.  “It’s not what I want, but what the Queen wants.  She wants him,” pointing at Harry, “she doesn’t care what I do with you.  I think you will like sharing a sphere with a Seelie soul.”  
  
   
  
Pansy pointed her wand at Ron and started to cast a spell, when suddenly, Harry sprang up and shouted, “ _Reducto!_ ” at the spheres, pointing his wand at them.  The spheres shattered, revealing Seelie warrior spirits, resplendent in glowing leaf armour.  Pansy shrank back from them, waving her wand at them futilely.  The spirits pulled short leaf-shaped Gladii from scabbards slung at their hips.  They saluted Harry and Ron with their swords, and then they encircled Pansy and stabbed her mercilessly.  As she died, Harry could see a spirit escape from her mouth.  The spirit appeared as a lovely, elfin woman with pointed ears.  Her flaxen hair glowed in the soft candlelight.  She opened her mouth to scream.  One of the Seelie warrior spirits clapped its hand over her mouth.  
  
   
  
Harry whispered to Ron, “I think that he just saved us from a Banshee wail.”  
  
   
  
The Seelie warrior spirits grabbed the female elfin spirit and disappeared with her.  Harry and Ron stood and went to Pansy’s mutilated body.  The looked at it sadly before Harry touched it and Apparated it into the morgue at the Auror offices in the Ministry.  Harry summoned his Patronus, sending it back to the Ministry to announce that the mop-up crew could come in and tie up the loose ends.  
  
   
  
   
  
   
  
A few days later, Harry and Ron sat in the Chief Auror’s office, giving his final report on the case.   
  
   
  
“Pansy had made a deal of some sort with the Queen of the Unseelie Court, gaining some of her power and appetites in the process.  The Unseelie Queen, who we shall not name, had been taking the souls of slain Seelie warriors and entrapping them, preventing them from reaching their final resting place.  She took these entrapped souls, and forced them through a weak point in the Summerlands into our world.  It just happened that the weak point was on the shore of the Channel in both realms, making it easy to break through.  The Counter-Enchantment Squad has closed off this weak point.  Millicent Bulstrode and four other accomplices have been arrested and are awaiting trial at Azkaban.”  
  
   
  
He made eye contact with the serious, dark skinned, Chief Auror behind the desk and said, “Sir, I think that we can learn one thing from this.”  
  
   
  
The Chief Auror looked at him and asked, “What is that, Mr. Potter?”  
  
   
  
Ron grabbed Harry’s arm and said, “Don’t say it, Harry.”  
  
   
  
Harry pulled away and said, “I’ve got to Ron, it’s some kind of compulsion left on me by the Queen.”  
  
   
  
He looked again at the Chief Auror and said, “What I’ve learned is this:  Don’t make deals with the Queen of the Unseelie, because  
  
   
  
‘She sells sidhe souls by the Seelie shore.’


End file.
